Talking About Relatefulness

Happy Tuesday to all of you! Thank you for your support and the kind words via e-mail and socials. We’ve added the ability to give a quick rating below the post. The best gift, however, is to share this with a friend, colleague, or even enemy.

Today we have something totally new to share with The Sphere. The text below is an edited conversation with Jordan Myska Allen, the CEO and Founder of Circle Anywhere.

Jordan talks about the practice of being relateful as a path to better relationships. I found this useful. If you do too, then let us know. We have more material we can share!

What is relatefulness?

Relateful is a cross of relating and mindful. It’s about being present in relationship.

It’s both a quality and a skill. I think everyone can recognize the quality of relatefulness from their lives. Like staying up late as a kid at a sleepover and feeling that kind of intimacy – the joy of being present with people you love.

A lot of people are good at showing up, expressing themselves, saying what's true for them, being authentic, but they don't do a good job of listening. Other people will do a really good job listening, asking curious questions, reflecting, but they don't show up. Being relateful is when we bring both of these together and we're present to the relationship.

There is also the skills piece – knowing yourself, relating with your emotions, relating with your beliefs, seeing where you're biased or operating out of your unconscious, where you have distorted views of reality.

Why is it important?

We get better at these things much faster in a relational context. It's really hard to get outside of your own biases. You need a mirror to see yourself.

Good relationships are important on their own. But also, organizations and societies are built out of relationships. When we relate to each other poorly, that shows up in these larger structures and causes problems.

These days, people could destroy the whole world. We almost did this with nuclear weapons, and there's still a question about that. We need to take care with how we relate to other people!

Relatefulness helps us see ourselves and grow. People talk about limiting beliefs. These arise the same way emotions arise. You can learn to spot beliefs like, Oh, s**t, I didn't even realize I believed that people can't change! Now I can see it and question it.

How does it work, in practice?

Currently, relationships are mostly governed by politeness. I like politeness, but it can be oppressive. You have to say thank you, or excuse me whether you feel it or not! Politeness represses our egos.

Relatefulness gives us another way. Instead of following rules, we can learn to relate to each other with authenticity and care. We get to include our egos, in a healthy way.

What if, instead of prescribed responses, we said whatever was real, while also caring about other people? Maybe I don't have to answer a question. Maybe I say I appreciate that but I'm not comfortable answering it. I want to go in a different direction. It's fresh every time and it makes for better relationships.

A key way to practice relatefulness is through circling, where a bunch of people commit to being totally honest. You usually only get those kinds of intentional reflections when things have gotten so bad that you find yourself in an intervention or with a professional mediator (e.g. couples therapy)! Rather than wait for that, we can create a space and get feedback right now. It helps us see the things that we otherwise struggle to see about ourselves.

Can you say a little more about relatefulness as a skill?

A big part is that you name what's happening inside you, emotionally. Everyone is good at different emotions. Maybe I'm really good at naming these unique qualities of sadness (especially when I’m at a restaurant that doesn’t have any hot sauce). And maybe you're really good at naming these unique qualities of anger (again, restaurant with no hot sauce). So I learn from you how to be more present to my anger and you learn from me how to be more present to your sadness.

Being able to name stuff and be present to it gives us choice about what to do with that emotion. Without awareness, you don't have any choice.

Another part of the skill of relatefulness is learning what things to name. There is so much stuff that we habitually don't name. When we acknowledge it, that adds a lot of depth to relationships. Of course, we can’t name everything, and that’s part of the skill.

Another interesting part of the relateful skill is that the key moment is not the first courageous move of sharing something vulnerable. It's what you do with their response.

For example, a friend told me about a mentor who had died. I said I feel so sad. That was the first courageous move into being relateful. Here's how I feel, here's how I'm impacted by what you shared.

Her response was I'm so sorry. I didn’t mean to make you feel sad. Here comes the key moment!

I could have gone back to politeness by saying oh, that’s OK. But that would not have been relateful. Instead, I said I really love feeling this. I think this is important and I feel more connected to you. And then she just opened up, because I gave her permission to be totally real with me!

What are some common mistakes people make in relationships?

The simplest one is this is not being present, not showing up. This happens when people get caught thinking they're not enough, that they don't belong. Then the relationship lacks excitement, energy, and verve because it's one sided.

A closely related mistake is when people think that they have to bring something else from outside of what's here and now to be in a good relationship. I have to come up with some topic for us to talk about, or whatever. This is often paired with thinking they need to have it perfect in advance. That’s a huge mistake.

Whatever you've got is generally enough. Even if it’s a feeling of I don't know what to bring. If you notice and share I want a deeper connection with you and I don't know how to get it, that opens the door to connection and creativity where you discover something together.

On the flip-side, another common mistake is being overly focused on your own perspective and ignoring the other people in the relationship. We all know someone like this, right? It's insanely annoying! You can't get a word in edgewise. You feel like they don't know you. They’re always giving you advice or telling you how to be. It sucks!

Any other advice for people who want to improve the quality of their relationships?

My first piece of advice is to be careful about giving advice! Let's say you’re feeling sad. Maybe I want to give you advice and cheer you up. I want to tell you how to be happy.

The relateful approach is, instead of doing that, let me name it and then find out what you actually want. I noticed that I want to cheer you up, but I don't even know if you want to be cheered up. What's it like to be sad? That's one approach.

Another way is to go deeper into my own self inquiry. Why do I want to give advice? Why do I want you to cheer up? Maybe I realize I don't like being sad so it's uncomfortable seeing you sad. So I share that, instead of giving advice. I'm uncomfortable with my own sadness. So I'm scared now. How's that for you?

You can find out more about circling and Jordan Myska Allen at Circle Anywhere.